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A scenario for perfect placement: A Spanish Cooking Lesson
Westspace, Melbourne, 2001

Do you have anything to declare? What is your room number? Bring the gun here together with the six-chambered revolver. Wait a moment, there is a mosquito on your ear. Is it possible to snow board on this slope? I never carve the chicken in the kitchen. Would you like a cigarette. You are my fleshy thing. Can you speak English? The cleverness of Europeans is great indeed. Your great new country. Are many apples eaten here? Bring a broom and sweep out this filth.

> about
> catalogue text by Ben.Harper

mdf, acrylic paint, 4 x speakers, 4 channel recordings

about

Four concurrent recordings loop throughout the gallery :: a composition of phrases drawn from old travel language books, layered and juxtaposed to create a quirky word play.

Are you alone? Are you still a bachelor? You are beautiful. There will be a beauty contest tonight. I would like to do business with you. What country are you from? Would you like to dance? Do you have any daughters? Your eyes are very pretty. Do you come here frequently? Would you like to have a hostess? What is your room number? She has extraordinary sex appeal. How long have you been a stewardess? I am missing a pair of stockings. Do you have a sweetheart. You're so amazing. You turn me on. I want you. I really like your hands, eyes, lips, skin. I want to make love to you. Take your clothes off. I'd love to have a relationship with you. Do you want to go out with me? Let's move in together. You are my little chook. You are my fleshy thing. You are my delicious one. She has excellent breasts. Can you speak English? Please send a bellboy for my bags. Please give me a clean fork. Please bring another cushion. Ivory chopsticks are too heavy. I have a kidney problem and cannot drink very much. Is your kitchen Western style? The automatic teller has swallowed my credit card. I'm feeling tipsy. I'm feeling pissed. This wine has a bad taste. We didn't order this. You've forgotten to bring my dessert. Send for the men and tell them to come here. Cook says that the money for household expenses is exhausted, Madam. There's a corpse on the bed. Please change the sheets. Get out a Turkish flag; I wish to see it. The gardener has fed the animals. Excellent! You must go fetch two tins of kerosene. Why is the knife rust eaten? Get rid of it by using powder. Inside, on the ceiling, there are many insects. He seldom shoots birds of an afternoon. In future I don't want toast and cheese any more. Bring a broom and sweep out this filth. The cleverness of Europeans is great indeed. You are a complete idiot. I have a bad headache. I am airsick. I think I have appendicitis. Do you have any aspirin? This plate is dirty. I couldn't sleep last night because of a noisy dog. There is a lot of dust in the air. There was a small earthquake last night. I have something in my eye. Could you rcommend a gynecologist? I can't drink much because I have severe hangovers. I ate so much I have indigestion. I bumped my knee. My legs are sore from walking so much. The people in the next room are noisy. I feel a little nauseous. I want to lodge a protest. This room is too small. These gloves are too small. Don't you speak English? I have a blister. I have a lump. I have a venereal disease. I have worms. I have a pacemaker. I have my own syringe. The lamp is broken. There is no toilet paper in the bathroom. The window won't open. There isn't any hot water. The socket in the bathroom won't work. The shower doesn't work. The sink is blocked. There's a burst pipe. You've forgotten to bring my dessert. There's a corpse on the bed. Please change the sheets. I was bitten by a dog last month. Inside, on the ceiling, there are many insects. There are several hairs on the dressing-table. My front teeth are too short. Two martinis please.

catalogue text - by Ben.Harper

The foreward to a 1943 edition of a Japanese phrasebook explains that due to political circumstances it contains certain phrases for the traveller that are not found in previous editions, such as "One false move and you're a dead man." A Malay phrasebook from the 1940s describes itself as "intended principally for English pepole who propose to reside in Malaya"; it consists almost solely of orders, such as one would give to servants.

For some time Helen Gibbins has collected language books, intrigued by the one-sided conversations they conduct with foreigners as we have variously imagined them. In "A Spanish Cooking Lesson" she presents these conversations, off the page and repatriated to her native English, as voices rehearsing the distinct personae these books frequently suggest: officious, suspicious, deferent, whingeing, randy. Like the peculiar illustrations such books frequently contain, a world is presented upside-down to our own, cartoonish, out of kilter, where depicted reality is excessively simplistic and placed at the service of representation, as if the world exists to make a point about the language that describes it.

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© helen gibbins